Have you ever had to deal with a coworker, friend or family member who appears to have a problem but when asked about it, they swear everything is fine? They are likely passive-aggressive.

I recently ran into an issue with a co-worker who was upset and acted out subtly before I realised how upset they were. Instead of being direct and approaching me head-on, the situation festered. This caused a great deal of awkwardness and tension.

The good thing is that I recognised this behaviour and looked up ways to deal with it.

What is passive-aggressive behaviour?

According to the Mayo Clinic, passive-aggressive behaviour is a “pattern of indirectly expressing negative feelings instead of openly addressing them.”

Signs of passive-aggressive behaviour
Resentment and opposition to the demands of others
Resistance to cooperation, procrastination, and intentional mistakes in response to others’ demands
Cynical, sullen, or hostile attitude
Frequent complaints about feeling underappreciated or cheated
Specific signs of passive-aggressive behaviour – © 1998-2024 Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research (MFMER

Passive-Aggressive Behavior Examples
Silent treatment
Procrastinating on purpose
Sarcasm
Deliberately ‘forgetting’ to do something
Intentionally ignoring or neglecting someone
Using nonverbal cues to express displeasure
Backhanded compliments
Sabotaging someone’s efforts in subtle ways

Why do people behave this way?

Passive-aggressive behaviour can be caused by life experiences (e.g. someone who grew up in a household where they could not express their feelings). They learn to hold everything in instead of being direct. Some people are too anxious to be assertive or have an irrational fear of confrontation. Passive aggressive behaviour can also be situational and/or caused by emotional triggers such as stress, depression and anxiety.

While this kind of behaviour may seem harmless, it may cause long-term damage to both the perpetrator and the people around them. According to Tim Murphy, PhD, and Loriann Hoff Oberlin (Overcoming Passive Aggression):

With passive-aggression, disappointment can become a recurring theme or self-perpetuating prophecy

They state that it is better for one to change their approach when dealing with passive aggressive people. Below are five strategies for handling passive aggression.

5 Strategies for Handling Passive Aggression

1. Express Yourself

Holding onto anger can make you feel like you’re in control, but it is unhealthy and can cause more problems in the long run. Be honest about your feelings using firm, assertive language and ‘I’ statements.

2. Conserve Your Energy

Please allow time and distance between the problem and your reaction. Acting impulsively often sparks arguments that don’t resolve anything.

3. Maintain Boundaries

Maintain focus boundaries by clearly communicating what has occurred, your expectations, and the consequences of the individual’s actions.

4. Respond Positively

Remember that you can only control yourself. Listen to what the passive-aggressive person says and respond positively. Prevent bad reactions by rehearsing positive responses.

5. Be Empathetic And Direct

Consider the perspective of the passive-aggressive individuals and try to understand where they are coming from. Even if their behaviour seems impolite, maintain a calm and straightforward tone. Avoid bringing in third parties.

The key takeaway is to avoid confrontation with passive-aggressive people. Use ‘I’ statements instead of ‘you’ to prevent arguments, and if all else fails – walk away.

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References

Title	Link
16 Signs Of Passive-Aggressive Behavior With Examples	Simple Psychology
Overcoming Passive-Aggression: How to Stop Hidden Anger from Spoiling Your Relationships, Career and Happiness by Tim Murphy (Author), Loriann Hoff Oberlin (Contributor)	Amazon
Specific signs of passive-aggressive behaviour	Mayo Clinic
Strategies for passive aggression	Download PDF