The art of saying goodbye

28th June 2026

I am not good at goodbyes.

Is anyone? For a word that has ‘good’ in it, goodbyes can be the worst sometimes. Each time I say goodbye to a colleague, I think about how interesting the process is. Depending on how close I was to them, it’s a mixture of difficult, thought-provoking and sad. We tend to say the right things when people leave. How many times have you agreed to keep in touch, only to never hear from someone again? Or you trade messages until someone stops replying.

It’s never the same.

That is part of what makes saying goodbye so sudden. Knowing that things have changed, whether you want them to.

My last memory of school was bawling my eyes out at the end of our last group assembly. The entire year had gathered, and we had a goodbye session. Half of us were in tears, and the others were probably praying for it to be over. I remember being aware of how final it was. Playtime was over, and we were about to venture into the real world. The safety net was gone, and I’d never see these familiar faces in the same way again.

Naturally, life went on. We all recovered from not being confined to desks in stuffy classrooms. However, it’s an experience I am reminded of whenever I have to say goodbye to people. I thought I was being sensitive, but it turns out the research backs me up – goodbyes are difficult.

According to Ho Shee Wai @ The Counselling Place:

[saying goodbye] brings up a wide range of emotions, including sadness, anxiety and relief.

Goodbye can also cause feelings of loss and grief. We worry about what lies ahead, which can be overwhelming and stressful. Perhaps the person you’re saying goodbye to was a great support, and you feel adrift in their absence

For a long time, I struggled with saying goodbye until I realised what was really affecting me. It wasn’t necessarily that people were leaving; it was my aversion to change. Shocking as it may seem, many of us don’t like change. Some people have very negative reactions to change. For a long time, I was one of them, especially when the goodbyes were sudden or unexpected.

Have you ever found yourself adrift from someone you were close with, be it a friend or colleague, and even though you know there’s not much you can do, there’s always a sense of unfinished business?

It turns out that we feel much better when we get closure.

Research published in Motivation Science found that ending in a ‘well-rounded way’ led people to feel positive. They carried out a series of studies, including one where exchange students felt better after having enough time to say goodbye to their classmates and teachers. In another study, they gave strangers on Skype calls a heads-up when the conversation would end in one group, while not telling the other group. The group that had time to say goodbye did better on their next task.

This suggests that it’s much easier to move on when you’re able to say goodbye.

Saying goodbye is important because it gives us closure and allows us to heal and grow. We don’t need to wonder ‘what if’ because we’ve formally ended the current stage of our relationship.

I can attest to that. I have conditioned myself to accept goodbyes rationally. I will miss the person, although I recognise their departure is not about me. I choose to cherish the good memories and move on.

Of course, how we say goodbye matters. The best way is to do something, maybe write a card or buy a gift. Something that allows you to put the final bow on the relationship. Obviously, if it’s not a positive ending, this is not the way to go, but for situations with colleagues or friends who are moving away, it is a nice gesture.

When our relationships change or end, our communication follows suit. I have colleagues and friends whom I never spoke to again once we said goodbye. It can be strange going from seeing someone every day to not seeing them at all. Thanks to the wonders of modern communication, we can fill the void with other means until things naturally change.

Perhaps you’ll hear from people every week, or every year. It all depends on how close you are. I find this part of goodbye really special. Much like the person who has left, I give myself space to move on.

While writing this, I started reminiscing about my former work besties (I even wrote a list!), and I’d been thinking about touching base with one person in particular. Somehow they beat me to it! It was a very brief exchange, yet I really appreciated it.

Missing someone is often seen as a negative, and in terms of breakups, divorce and bereavement, it absolutely can be. However, generally speaking, you miss the people who mattered and made you laugh or smile. You miss the people who made a good impression on you.

And without saying goodbye, we sometimes don’t have a reason to cherish our memories.

So, I may not be good at goodbyes, but I’ve learnt how to be okay with them.